Mumaleary's Blog

Cheaper than therapy

To be or not to be (Actually, it’s not a question.)

on May 11, 2014

Hey dudes, sorry this isn’t a light hearted post with reference to the big little pulling her trousers down and shaking her booty in the supermarket yesterday- though that is factually accurate.

I just need to get something off my chest. I promise not to bang on about it afterwards though. I am sure I’ve bored you all before with the fact that I have suffered from depression in the past. Urgh, this sounds so absolutely melodramatic. To be fair though, when you’re in the grip of it, the way that it can make you think and act and feel is pretty grim so perhaps I’m not being over the top.

Anyway, I have noticed in the last few weeks and months that it was creeping back, the bastard. I tried to ignore it, I tried to shake it off and now I have relented and decided to face it so, after 4 years without medicine it was seeping into my daily life and I am so sad to say that I haven’t been able to hold it at bay without going back to the doctors. Again, URGH.

So, now I am back on some tablets to sort out the chemical imbalance that is going on in my teeny tiny mind. I am cross with myself because I haven’t consistently been doing the things which I know help me. I haven’t been running regularly, I’ve skipped yoga and I’ve eaten a truck load of crap and- surprise surprise, It’s no good for me and my mind is proof of that at the moment.

The best way I can describe it is to say that it is like in Spiderman when the black web creeps onto Peter Parker and takes over. I haven’t got time to be annoyed about that though- I need to get back on form for my babies and, for now, that means citalopram, every day.

spiderman_BLACK WEB

 

Even as I type I am totally in two minds about publishing this post. There IS still a stigma around all things mental health and, since I consider it to be a huge weakness within me I think it will be quite some time before the taboo is totally broken. My doctor and my mum and my counselor have all given me the good old ‘If you broke your leg, you’d put a plaster on it’ analogy but I still think it is a sign that I am weak and a failure.

So, for my benefit and for everyone else’s I have written the following about my struggle with depression but I have changed one word. I know I’m not the first to do this but I don’t think it makes for very comfortable reading. Sorry about that. Please don’t be offended.

I’ve got cancer.
I knew I did. I’ve had it before. I went to the doctor and he agreed. He gave me medication and told me to make another appointment for 3 weeks.
I didn’t take it and I didn’t go back.
I am so over this. I hate it.

I shouldn’t even have it. I have two gorgeous babies, a loving husband and family and plenty of wonderful friends. I’ve got no right to have cancer.

I haven’t been taking the tablets because I should be able to do this on my own. I  just need to get on with it. I need to just power through and sort myself out with a bit of PMA and exercise.

But it hasn’t gone away.

I haven’t mentioned it to anyone. I don’t want people to think, Oh, for crying out loud- really?!

Cancer. Again?!

Haven’t you got this cracked yet?
I definitely don’t want the concerned head tilt. No one wants that!

I feel so weak and so angry with myself for letting this happen. I wish I was mentally stronger and then I wouldn’t be pill popping like an idiot to try to manage something that most normal people can solve on their own. I don’t want to have cancer but I don’t know how to get rid of it on my own.

———-

Just to clarify- I am not, in any way at all trying to make one illness sound better or worse than the other. They are not more or less important and I am certainly not a really serious case and I will get better again. Even writing this has been a help. I am getting the help I need but so many people aren’t because they don’t want to talk or can’t talk or have no one to talk to and for them the rest of us need to shout a little louder.

One of the worst things I can imagine is for either of my babies to experience this stone in the stomach, wanting to tear out your insides horridness. I hope that day never comes but, if it does, I will try to heed the following advice which I would recommend to anyone who is trying to support someone with any sort of mental health shenanigans going on. be my friend

With lots of love to you all,

Muma.

XxxX

PS- Here is a handy guide on reasons for and against me being depressed; it’s such a help I might pin it to my fridge!

Reasons not to be depressed:
I have a loving husband
2 gorgeous babies that I love with all my heart
A supportive family
A fantastic group of friends
A lovely home
A job I enjoy
A #BiB nomination…yep- still banging on about it- vote for me- it could help lift this cloud of hideousness! You’ve got to laugh haven’t you!

Reasons to be depressed:

BECAUSE IT’S AN ILLNESS. NOT A CHOICE. 


23 responses to “To be or not to be (Actually, it’s not a question.)

  1. Ali Marshall says:

    Sorry to hear u r not feeling good. Let me know if theres anything we can do. Love you dude x x x

  2. Jo Vickerstaff says:

    I’ll always walk beside you…no getting rid of me! Love you tonnes & i’m sure you’ll be back on track very soon. It’s a great job you are doing raising awareness of sn illness which is rarely openly talked about. Just holler if you need anything xxx

  3. Rachel Hart says:

    You’re very brave talking so openly about depression. And you are so right this is not something you have choice over, this is not something you’ve done wrong…yes exercise and diet can help but don’t beat yourself up (perhaps easier said than done?!) but we’re all human and those things can help but can’t prevent this.

    I wish you loads of love and hope you find your balance again soon,

    Rachel

  4. sarah says:

    Definitely no weakness here….it takes soooo much strength to say that you need help and to do something about it….weakness is running away from it and youre facing it head on and sharing with others :-). I’m the one whose car broke down….got home safe & sound at midnight and the time I spent waiting for the AA was much more enjoyable as i had your blog to read :-). Thanks for all your previous posts, this post and all the posts to come! Take it easy as the caramel bunny said…..showing my age :-). xx

  5. I think it is easy to say you have all these wonderful reasons to be happy, you shouldn’t be depressed. But that’s not the way the mind works.I have gone through bouts of depression, and it is so tough. Take care!

    • Mumaleary says:

      Thanks for your comment- It is tough but I am glad that so many people have been in touch to say that they’ve felt the same or that it isn’t a sign of weakness- I think that’ll take me some time to get my head around. Stay well. xx

  6. Jenny says:

    I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time my lovely. I think it’s good to express yourself openly and share, know you are not alone in it all. I also think it’s smart and brave of you to go back to the doctors. To get help when you think you need it for you, for your family so that you may get back to your happy life once again all together. My sister really struggles with it as well, so I can sympathize what you may feel. I hope you starting feel better soon with the tablets. They seem to really help my sister. Sending you big hugs you have the blogosphere love and support if you ever need to vent!!! Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme *big hugs

  7. It’s so brave of you toots about this, I know a lot of people in the same boat will appreciate it. I have been there, a long time ago, but can still remember the feeling of beating myself up about being stupid. So don’t do that, just take one day at a time and give yourself a break! Go treat yourself :) x

  8. Haha, toots, I mean to post, blummin predictive text…

  9. Nickie says:

    It’s good to be able to recognise the signs and triggers but I know all too well how hard it is to admit them especially when you’re so busy with family life. Do concentrate on the good stuff – it’s important!

    #sharefriday

  10. A very brave post and admitting you need help, in whatever form, is never a sign of weakness. After my son was born I struggled for a long time and never ever did make that return appointment that my GP suggested. Yes, I was ashamed and yes I thought I could deal with everything by myself. I have a lot of admiration for you for facing up to it all and dealing with it. I hope you get through it again soon
    x x x

  11. chrissypsmum says:

    A very honest post hun. You are strong in the fact that you are facing up to it and fighting back. Hoping you’re feeling more positive soon xx

  12. sue banksm says:

    Facing up to depression is in itself a step foreard to getting back on track. Coping with cancer is something we can’t truly understand even tho we support family and friends, I admire the way you have just got on with it for the most part, even when it is all such hard work for you. I will guard against the tilting head! Xxx Hannah’s mum

    • Mumaleary says:

      Thank you Sue. Cancer is such a hard battle and it is impossible to guess how anyone else is coping or really, really feeling isn’t it. I guess all we can do is be kind to everyone hey. Xx

  13. One thing I know is that when you’re feeling low, don’t cut yourself off, talk to someone, anyone about anything that comes out of your lips. Seriously. I’ve been there, I’ve been at rock bottom and beyond…only us can climb ourselves back up sweetie. Amazing brave post to write. Thanks for sharing with #MMWBH xx

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