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Cheaper than therapy

Buying the Perfect Christmas Gift- A survival guide for Blokes. (This blog could save your life)

on November 7, 2013

So, that’s it.

Bonfire night is over and the next official big date in the calendar is Christmas.

It is less than 7 weeks away. Just 41 days people!

That means gents- and I am talking specifically to you (I know about my loyal band of squaddie readers!!) that there is only 40 shopping days remaining until your loved one is left bereft and disappointed crying into their cranberry sauce as a direct result of your lack of thought and imagination.

Sad times indeed.

You think that a poorly thought out gift is no big deal…think again my friend, think again.

A poorly chosen gift will send your Mrs’ into a tail spin. Her brain (which, by the way, is filled with images and froth from such films as The Holiday and Love Actually), will whisper things like

He doesn’t understand me.
How after all this time has he got me so wrong.
Oh my God, our relationship is a sham.

Before you know it there will be either a heavy silence or a pan being thrown at your face.

All happening with a backdrop of in-laws and over excited children. Before 8.30am. Lovely.

It could be you!

It could be you!

Happily, this year you can avoid all of that nastiness and virtually assure yourself of a festive fondle simply by following these simple suggestions…

1) Stop
Don’t go shopping or trawling the internet without at least a hint of a plan. That is a recipe for disaster and panic buys.
If you do choose to do this for gods sake get a gift receipt!
2) Look
What perfume, make up and bath products does she use? What is her dress size, shoe size, bra size…ring size?! What style does she like. What brands does she wear. What colours does she like?
If you are buying underwear- try to choose for her, not your filthiest fantasy- if she is reading these tips then that might be her gift to you…(NB- this is unlikely!)
Jo Malone Packaging
3) Listen
What does your other half regularly talk about?What does she like to do? Where does she like to go? What cities would she like to visit? what gigs would she like to go to? what plays etc ?

4) Think

What is your other half like?

What is her every day all about?
If she usually pees with a toddler strapped to her leg think about an afternoon at a spa or hair dressers.
If she is all work and no play what about a weekend away watching her favourite band?
If time as a couple is lacking what about a voucher for a meal or the cinema or whatever you enjoy doing.
If she is all about the home do not, under any circumstances buy her a Hoover or a breadmaker. This will go down like a lead balloon.

Whatever she says.

What about vouchers for a cleaner or a cooking experience?

Clearly; depending on who you are dating this could be a hideous choice. It could shout;

The house is an utter tip and you even burn water. Up your game woman or I’m off.

On the other hand it could look like a very thoughtful idea. I will leave that one with you!

5) Plan

Don’t leave it all until the last minute and then scribble something about getting tickets to this or that in a Clintons card. If you have booked something- get the tickets or get a print out or do something to show that it wasn’t a last minute or panic buy. Get a brochure for the venue and wrap that. Make it look planned and thoughtful. Last posting dates are here for your info…don’t leave it too late and don’t forget that really gorgeous gifts will be popular. You have been warned.

6) VIP (Very Important People)

If your Mrs is a mum DO NOT forget to get a thoughtful present from the kids- something personalised or a picture or something handmade if they are old enough is always a good idea. Try here for ideas.

Get a card from them too and make time for them to write or scribble or whatever in it.
If you are my husband- don’t encourage glitter in this activity.

If you are not- go wild!! Who cares about the little flecks of silver that will never, ever , ever be fully hoovered up.

I would advise against buying a copy of Miranda or something.

There’s a reason divorce peaks in January people.

Oh-one last thing…even if you pull it out of the bag gift-wise thanks to my amazing hints and tips- all of this will count for nothing if you sit on your arse and do nothing to help with the cooking, cleaning, planning and preparing for Christmas Day- especially if it is at your house.
Do not wait to be asked to peel the spuds/carve the turkey/give Great Auntie Gertrude a monster sherry.
It means more than you will ever know and your life will be easier as a direct result of not being a total blind bloody idiot. 🙂

So- where can you get these amazing gifts without totally breaking the bank…Have a look at:

  • Not on the High Street
  • Groupon
  • Last Minute. com
  • Emma Bridgewater
  • Jan Constantine
  • The White Company

If you are my husband;

  • Jo Malone
  • Ted Baker
  • Agent Provocateur. (Ha- not really dude, just wanted to give the readers a little cause for concern over whether they fancied each other enough and were having enough sex!!)
  • M&S – I’m not even joking. Only a fool goes anywhere else for underwear.


Lots of love,
Important point to note:
This is in NO WAY a thinly veiled message to Mr L. No sir!
I am absolutely not hinting heavily at the fact that for Christmas I really want my home to become a shrine to Jo Malone (pomegranate noir in case you were wondering).
I am absolutely, totally not in any way indicting that I would love an eternity ring.
I am definitely not, not even a teeny-weeny bit advising that this would be well received:
Necklace from Posh Totty Boutique (Not on the High Street)

Necklace from Posh Totty Boutique (Not on the High Street)

Man alive, imagine how awkward it’s going to be if I get none of the above.
Not only will it indicate that my husband doesn’t even read my blog- it will also mean a massively dreadful Christmas for me (and you Mr L. And you 😉 )

4 responses to “Buying the Perfect Christmas Gift- A survival guide for Blokes. (This blog could save your life)

  1. Carol Yates says:

    Haha, love it! Take care.


  2. […] know this isn’t easy. I love lovely stuff! I wrote a blog on what I’d like for Christmas for goodness sake, but we need to draw the line somewhere (preferably right under my […]


  3. alejandra cortez says:

    I am a mom looking for ideas for christmas presents this year. I stumbled upon your blog and I find it very nice of you on posting this. For those other moms who are looking for ideas for presents too, I found this blog which shows great ideas that won’t disappoint your children.
    Take a visit of these two great sites here:


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