I know, I know, it was a brilliant opportunity, my children would have been fine and it is one of THE most exciting cities in the world. I know all of that.
I know that lots of people would give their right arm to be given such an amazing chance, let alone have family and friends supportive enough to rally around to ensure that everything would run smoothly whilst I was away. I know all of that too.
I know that I might have totally blotted my copy book and I might never be asked to go on an amazing international work trip again but only I know how I feel in my gut and I feel relieved.
I have been to New York. It is just as amazing as people say and we had a wonderful time. But, New York isn’t going anywhere and, at the end of the day I didn’t want to sacrifice 5 whole days of being with my babies for 5 days where I would possibly feel anxious, unsure and not my best self. I have battled with that feeling before.
I have known crippling anxiety and depression and I was worried that if feelings reared their ugly heads whilst I was so far away from home it would be pretty hideous, not to mention difficult to remain professional and on the ball. I know that the time would have passed and I would have coped and I also know that perhaps none of these things would have happened and I might have had an absolute ball but it didn’t feel right.
So, my boss has let me off the trip (thank you Emma) and I am left wondering whether, come the 30th April when I should have been jet setting across the pond I will berate myself for being so weak and stupid and not just going and getting on with it. What a first world problem hey. Perhaps those feelings themselves will cause me to feel low but I could only make the decision based on how I felt at the time and, in this moment it feels like a good decision.
So, what do you think…silly or sage?
Lots of Love,