You know when you are not only at the end of your tether but you wonder whether you ever had one, and indeed what one is, and it’s only 8.13am. that it is going to be a long day. And so it proved!
I would say that today has been the most trying I have had so far in my 22months as a mum and in my 6 months as a mum of 2! YEP. Pretty tough.
In days gone by, a Summers day such as this would have meant a lengthy lunch, a minimum of one pint of ice cold larger shandy and ideally a sun lounger a selection of Summer tunes- yes I DO mean you Jazzy Jeff and Mr Will Smith and quite possibly a calypo (orange).
Today it meant 2 over heating babies wailing. The wailing can (and did) take many forms;
1) The Individual Wail- this is where one of the offspring alerts me to the fact that something is amiss. It may be as simple to work out as, ‘Muma, you wouldn’t be a dear and pass me my toy would you? It is just beyond my grasp’.
Unfortunately it may be as complex as trying to work out what Baba A wants from one vague pointing action and an increase in volume as I continually try to pass her the wrong items.
2) The Wailing Duet- this is where both babies wish to let me know that they are unhappy at the same time. It is a tricky one this as the volume of wailer A will increase in direct correlation to the length of time spent pacifying wailer B.
For none parents reading this, please imagine rubbing your belly whilst patting your head whilst holding at least one child whilst eating a plastic piece of toast and asking how on earth they managed to get the bread to rise so evenly. Usually you are doing this whilst covered in tears, snot and a little bit of puke. (Some, all or none of this may have come from yourself).
3) The Wailing Cacophony- this is something that you are trying to avoid at all costs. It is basically a siren telling you that you have royally screwed up and that this is going to take more than a fruit shoot and a few raisins to fix. The WC usually begins as item 1 or 2 which have been left, for just a moment too long (usually because you,are trying to make the dinner, run the bath, sort out the milk, find the bed time toys/gin etc) This usually occurs round about 5.15pm and can last all the way up to bath time if you are having a total nightmare.
Child Psychologists have deduced that this is simply to piss you off and test the levels of love for your children beyond all reasonable boundaries.*
By 8.13 this morning I had already cracked and I did something I’ve never done before simply to by me enough time to put some clean knickers on. I put on CBeebies.
I am usually a Chris Evans kind of gal in the mornings but Holy shit, this kids TV is like crack. I am worried I could get addicted.
With the simple flick of a switch I was able to get dressed, sort out the Pacapod (I KNOW I should have done it the night before. I didn’t and I am getting ever more annoyed that the stupid bag doesn’t refill itself), sort out the pushchair and even move the breakfast stuff and wipe the table.
This is a slippery slope, soon I could be using this service to allow me to catch up on a bit of neighbours on the IPad.
I am we’ll aware that I should be creating papier mâché heads and growing cress in eggs with the children but I have taken the easy way out. Today Baby Jake- tomorrow who knows, it could be Mike the Knight or Octonaughts or all of them. Oh god, I need another hit. I knew I couldn’t just be a casual, social user. I’ve fallen for this new way hard. I am a hideous person.
So, after the TV hit allowed me to think that the day had improved and we were over the worst of it, we headed to the last toddler group of the term (WTF do they think we will be doing with our summers without these sanctuaries?! I will tell you what, watching more TV by the look of things)
NB- for expectant parents or new parents, not all mother and baby/toddler groups are sanctuaries. Some are full of mentalists who you would not want to make friends with if your life depended on it. Choose with extreme caution. You do not want to accidentally befriend Annalise in week one and then be stuck with her incessant tales of her hideous life until your children go to uni. (However, if you do select a friend like this in error it may serve to make you feel better about yourself so- swings and roundabouts!)
On leaving toddler group I popped to Tesco, was advised by a woman that I should get a sarong to keep the kids cool, got a coke bottle with my name on (something I had hoped wouldn’t exist but alas, I am now a regular name) and set off for home. Negotiated the bus without drama, dismounted, went to cross the road and my fucking pram folded up on itself leaving me in the middle of the road, my shopping all over the road and my two bambinos in peril and in total WC.
So… Now all that is left for me to do is struggle back home, put them both to bed and try to regroup ready for the afternoon.
What actually happened was:
*Baba B wouldn’t go to sleep so I had to attempt my Internet shop whilst entertaining her. (The reason for the Internet shop btw is because I am such a total idiot that I left my purse in the car.
The car my husband drives to work in.
Work is over three hours away…he’ll be back, with my purse on Friday. T’rific.)
*Baba B is now rolling, grabbing and reaching for anything in her eye line so my tea went all over the floor and me. I didn’t have the mental or physical capacity to replace it.
*Baba A was only interested in having whatever it was that the other one had which lead to various volumes of crying for the remainder of the afternoon.
It was then that Jo Whiley (in for the dreadful Steve Wright) had the ordacity to play Summertime and the living is easy.
Phew. Pass me the remote. It’s time for Ben and Holly.