Mumaleary's Blog

Cheaper than therapy

Just a little rant about Closer Magazine!

on May 6, 2013

Before I start, let me say- I know that this is going to be a divisive post. Lots of my friends are big fans of weekly hairdressing salon type magazines. Looking in on what’s going on in other people’s lives but I don’t like them.

It is possible that subconsciously I don’t let myself like them incase I get addicted to them (the same goes for Christmas cake, Thai food and pastry).
Someone that shall remain nameless, very kindly babysat for us on Friday so Mr L and I could go out-together-in the evening!
We had a great time watching Russell Kane at The Philharmonic but, to my horror, I found a copy of Closer (other bits of tat are available) left in our home come Saturday morning.

It makes for grim reading.

For research purposes only I have flicked through the aforementioned weekly and here are the top five things that I learnt;

5) Parents in ‘finding it tough to spend time alone together’ SHOCKER.
Denise Van Outen and her husband Lee (some guy with a really posh coat or something) both have jobs and therefore find it hard to spend time together on their own when they factor in their daughter too.
Shit, that sounds dreadful. I wonder how they’ll manage. What on earth would I do if we were in the same situation. Oh hang on- I’m a parent therefore I am in that situation. (Not exactly the same as I’m not technically working but you get the picture).
Deal with it.

4) Husband in hand holding SHOCKER.
Danielle Lloyd’s (?!) husband held her hand throughout their 20 week scan.
OMG, that’s like sooo unusual. He must be a real keeper Dani. BORE OFF.
4a) Danielle Lloyd is having a third boy. She’s been nice enough to document that she was disappointed by this- that’ll be nice for him to read when he’s old enough (possibly never).

3) Eating less and exercising more leads to weight loss BOMBSHELL.
Sonia Jackson of Eastenders fame is offering advice on how to drop a dress size.
Her pearls of wisdom include;
Try a low fat cereal bar instead of a chocolate bar. Yep- they taste the same.
Play a favourite song while you work out- hum… That’s about 3 minutes of your life Cassidy- I’m sure you’ll be a size 6 in no time.
Exercise with a friend- pretty sure that Gaffney’s free these days.
In short- this advice is priceless. Worth the cost of of magazine alone.
What a load of old Bollocks.
We all know how to loose weight, we just can’t be arsed to commit to it properly, not when Spanx exists.

2) People who stand up straight look slimmer.
Ke$ha (which, btw, isn’t even a proper name) looks better when
*she is aware she is being snapped,
*is at an awards ceremony
*and wearing a dress and heels. Go figure.

1) some girl from Corrie is moving in with some guy from TOWIE.
But- that’s not all.
Wait
For
It…

She might want to put some of her own things in there AND- one day- they might want to move.

Don’t even get me started on the woman who married her car, the fat teenager or the couple addicted to plastic surgery.
£1.50’s worth of absolute crap. Full of not famous, famous people.
#Getaproperjob.

My heart broke a little bit the other day when I asked a friends daughter what she wanted to be when she grew up.
Answer- famous.
I presumed she meant in a genuine, worked hard at school, chose something that she enjoyed and was good at and then spent years learning her craft like the brilliant Sir Richard Attenborough or perhaps the fantastic Dame Judi Dench.
Nope, she wants to be the next Jordan.
Oh sweet Jesus. No.
PS- I think Jordan is almost the worst of them because she clearly has a lot of drive and business acumen and could have done so many other things rather than clock up husbands even faster than I’m clocking up wrinkles.

How do people explain to their children that the oxygen thieves in these magazines aren’t people to aspire to be like? Answers on a postcard please.

I’ll be sticking to my preferred magazine- Your Cat. A monthly publication full of facts and advice on how to please your pussy. Invaluable.

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One response to “Just a little rant about Closer Magazine!

  1. […] When there is a break in the fake picnic we will begin another, entirely new and unrelated conversation which may be getting close to our base level- this will likely include rants about all/any of the following: Partners, Parents, Work, Money, Katie Hopkins, Jeremy Kyle…(I absolutely and unreservedly despise this programme and think it is a sad indication of the state of this nation. I can’t bring myself to watch it so it is unlikely that this subject will get much air time but I just wanted you to know how I feel. It is similar to how I feel about celeb magazines). […]

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